The Pathetic Jingoistic Coverage For The Birth of The Royal Baby

A reworked version of a piece I wrote on the birth of the Royal Baby.

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If you’re one of the few poor souls who live in complete isolation or without access to the news then you most likely missed the news that a baby was born on the 22nd of July. This, my friends, is no ordinary baby. This is a baby that was delivered by the almighty God to us mere citizens; this baby was draped in golden ivory and was caressed by the angels from the four echelons of Heaven. That’s the reaction you would have made upon hearing the news of the birth of Javier Bardem’s and Penelope Cruz’s second daughter who was born on 22 July 2013.

No? Oh, it’s most likely your reaction to the birth of “The Royal baby”. I use quotation marks to signify the importance of this boy judging by the media coverage he received. I must stress the importance of this child, this is the first child to exit the womb of Kate Middleton, let’s reflect on this watershed moment in British history. This boy is now 3rd in line for the Crown. This may sound lovely at first but we must remember a negative impact of his birth which is the sad reality that Prince Harry is now one place further away from succeeding the crown and thus less likely to become the ‘coolest’ King ever.

He has been named George Alexander Louis. Poor kid, he’s less than a week old and he’s already the bearer of the most pretentiously snobbish name in existence.

There was wall to wall coverage with constant updates – by updates I mean – pointless interviews with cretins that endured the blistering heat to catch sight of a press secretary, yes a press secretary, to declare the birth. There was a sea of media type buffoons that littered the street opposite St. Marys Hospital. Important TV programmes, such as Eastenders(!), were interrupted to announce the nation of the second coming of Christ. There wasn’t a single moment when Kay Burley wasn’t frantically running around outside the hospital attempting to interview deranged individuals for their opinions. Every few seconds there was a ‘BREAKING NEWS’ banner that slid across my vision alerting me of an insignificant report regarding Kate’s activity.
“Ooh she’s invited her stylist? I guess my life is complete now.”
I’m deeply envious of the primitive tribal citizens that live in remote areas unable to witness this embarrassing spectacle.

If you’re a sane member of society then you must surely be questioning the behaviour of a large percentage of the global population. We must ask the question “Who the hell cares?” In an age when teens and graduates struggle to find their first job and youth unemployment reaches new highs, it’s pretty remarkable to be born with a job. Employers might ask: How do you know he’s qualified? What do you really know about him? But nobody cares because this baby is ROYAL! This child has been given a job on a metaphorical plate that he will, undoubtedly, lick clean. This kid has a job for life from birth and is likely to excel in this job because he will undergo extensive training. It’s quite possibly the only job with this level of job security, the chances of him losing this job is zero to none. There is an air of inequality travelling through the British smog and it’s depressing me, and possibly you, of the lack of secure future job prospects. I have been searching the corners of the internet for a summer job only to be met with plain rejection for “lacking experience”. What makes this boy so experienced to be given the future job of king? He is, most likely, pooping his nappy and sleeping peacefully whilst I’m furiously typing this in my bedroom.
The very concept of genetic elitism is outdated and morally frowned upon but they seem to be an exception to wider scrutiny.

Although (as you may guess) I’m not an ardent monarchist, I do think there’s something peculiar happening here. There seems to be a new all-time high level of support for the Royal family in recent times. It’s quite confusing for many reasons, one being that they, quite frankly, have no real direct impact upon our lives. The monarch cannot affect the level of taxes we pay, they have a very minute impact on foreign and domestic politics, and they don’t speak to you or me. As they have very little impact on our lives, why are they still here? Does the Royal family hold any true power? Does the monarch have any important significance in the 21st century? No is the answer to all those questions.

Their role is purely traditional, the Royal Family has been enshrined in British culture and their roles have been clearly written in constitutional documents. Their power has been vastly reduced over the last few centuries. To further elaborate with an example, after a general election, the Queen is expected to declare the new Prime Minister. But the PM is decided by the people’s vote and she is merely expected to authorise this outcome. The Queen’s power has been diluted and transferred to the PM in the form of the Royal Prerogative.  Today the Prime Minister holds a number of prerogative powers that once belonged to the Crown such as the power to declare war, mobilise troops, the ability to appoint senior civil servants or to bestow honours. However, the Queen is blessed with inherited assets. Assets that some estimate to be worth up to $12.4 billion. The Queen owns the Crown Estate and, theoretically, 1/6th of the world through the commonwealth lands. The Queen also receives an annual government stipend of $12.9 million. Spongers much?

Many ardent anti -Royalists will claim that the royal family continue to reinforce class consciousness by thrusting this archaic concept of aristocracy onto our faces but I like to see them as a timely breaks from real depressing stories. For example, due to the coverage of the birth of George, the latest Tory party scandal has been largely ignored.

Whatever your view on the royal family is you cannot ignore the bleak reality that a, barely one week old, baby is far more important and famous than you or I will ever be. It’ll be interesting to hear the views of the most famous number 1 anti-royal celebrity, Morrissey, on this birth but one thing we can ask George is “Little man, what now?”

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