A Compulsive Need to Scroll Through a Facebook Newsfeed

Al Jazeera English: “There are macho men and then there’s Vladimir Putin.”

Earth shared “When you say goodnight to your date and let out a fart you’ve been holding in all night”

“Huel is made from rice, peas, seeds, oats and coconut (and more) plus all 26 essential vitamins and minerals. Purchase your 5kg protein powder now and have a chance at winning a grey Huel workout shirt.”

“10+ examples of double standards in our society that you’re probably guilty of”

Libby Johnson: “Few snapshots of our first week in South Africa ❤️ You can read more on my blog.”

“Tag @C and they have to buy you a pizza”

Time: “Which is more expensive, New York or Los Angeles?”

“You could earn thousands this summer before university restarts. Ranked as the #1 way for students to make money online. #SaveTheStudent”

New York Magazine: Hilary Duff Tells Body-Shamers to ‘Kiss Her Ass’.

Fund your film career

The Guardian: Jeremy Clarkson admitted to Mallorca hospital with pneumonia.

Top comment: Cornelius White: “With a bit of luck he doesn’t make it.” (78 likes)

Yazidi women are getting revenge on ISIL by fighting them in Raqqa.

Time: “How to Avoid Sitting Next to a Baby on Your Next Flight”

Matthew liked this post:
“Scroll if you want to go to hell, like if you love Jesus.”

….

The frosty winter aid winter had stiffened his face, there was a familiar numbness to his face, one which took him back to his early days in Toronto. Whenever the air was this chilly he would scrunch his nose repeatedly to experience the slowed effect of his facial muscles, where his nose would assume its natural position three times slower than it usually would. This had always fascinated him because he thought of it as the cold air slowing him down, making his body work in slow motion. He opens Google Maps to check how long his ETA was. He would be home by 02:33am, he was 4 minutes away.

Suddenly he felt an intense force strike his head from behind causing him to collapse, smashing his head onto the concrete. He was dazed, stuck in a sense of confusion and panic. His vision blackened around the periphery and tears were swelling up his sight.

He felt like half his head was missing, he felt half a pound less weight on his shoulders. He manages to spin onto his back to see what commotion had tragically befallen on him.

Had he been attacked?

“Give me your fucking phone!” said a voice towering above him. He had already begun taking his phone before he even completed the sentence. He was dressed in dark colours and his face was obscured.

He manages to utter some words, “please, don’t hurt me.” Blood sputtered simultaneously from his mouth and nose and became one. His head, still resting on the cold icy concrete, was beginning to feel compounded and heavy.

“Take it, please don’t kill me.”

The man in dark colours had snatched his phone from the man on the ground’s hand, yanking out the headphones, throwing them onto the man on the ground. After a few moments, he had decided he needed, no, he had wanted them. With a vigour and sense of purpose, the man dressed in dark colours had begun making his getaway. The man on the floor lay defeated on the ground, thinking about how he had just come to lose his iPhone 7plus and what procedures are available to him to get a replacement. Just then he had remembered he had an iPhone 5s in his inside jacket pocket. He reaches in and retrieves it. He taps in 382589 to unlock it. 382589 was the man’s go-to password, one he had been using since he had his first ever touchscreen phone. A password that spelled ‘fucktw’, meaning ‘fuck the world’. He thought how apt it was for his current predicament.

As he lay there on the ground with a possible severe concussion and blood pouring out the back of his skull, he decided to open up his Facebook app.

8fact: “The Average Person generates 5 tonnes of poop in a lifetime”

He chuckled through his last few seconds left on planet earth.

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